I have some people I’d like to thank

Dear everyone i know.

I’d like to thank you all, as you have turned what was once a very bright spirited, happy and optimistic boy, into this, a quivering mess of a human whom now has multiple mental disorders and emotional instability.

He was never born with these issues, they were brought on by certain events, certain comments and certain taunts by certain people. Is a person really born with emotional instability or does it fester in their mind after years of mistreatment?

You don’t know how hard it is to get up every morning to know you wont be happy that day, to know you’ll be treated badly, to know that you will somehow make a fool of yourself because of what others have caused for you.

He’s found it increasingly difficult to cope with being this seemingly independant person that he excerpts. All he yearns for is a little attention, assistance, reassurance, hope and a connection with another person .

Yes being independent is important, but he’s just sick of not feeling that kind of importance from another.

From, Me.

The inevitability of the impending, perpetual lie.

Who really likes to be lied too? LIKES?

I can recall Lady Gaga once said that she’d rather a whole load of bullshit than the truth. But really can someone survive emotionally on bullshit? What happens when the bullshit is found to be bullshit? The whole known universe to that person is then disintegrated into nothing like a division by zero.

So what makes truth? Truth is just what everyone agrees on. It is unfortuneate for me that 95% of the people that I fraternise with believe the size of my facial abnormality.. my nose..

Seriously, when you do stare at it, I do realise. Just like when a guy stares at  your tits girls… It really is unpleasant… I know its abnormal, I know it is large, I know it is INCREDIBLY unattractive. Why do you think I have my problems?

But a perpetual lie is different from a normal lie. A perpetual lie can stem from truth.. Or what is told to be truth.. Then it manipulates itself into becoming a lie. A promise can turn into a lie when it doesn’t come true. A truth can turn into a lie when it becomes falsified. Am i making sense? I doubt I am.

Basically, you’re told one thing, another happens… An impending, perpetual lie..

Are these worse than normal lies? Personally, I believe they are. Because you’re led to believe the truth, but the truth never comes.. OR it happens for a small amount of time, then becomes a lie again.

I love you.

I love you too(wait no i dont)… Is, what I believe the best example of this. It happens all the time, to everyone.

It all adds up to another theorem. The Silver Medal.. I DARE you to go into my life (or what you know of it) and point out something that isnt evident of a silver medal. It’ll be a nice and difficult task, so maybe keep your weekend free.. mmk?

The coincidence

I’ve just been pondering. And by “just” I mean for the majority of my teenage years..
I’ve been pondering questions like
- why am I so lonely?
- why do I feel so ugly?
- why do I feel awkward?
- why do I have low self esteem?
- why do I get panic and anxiety attacks?
- why have I never had a partner before and it seems like everyone else has?
- why is it that people say I have an amazing personality, am somewhat attractive and would make a perfect partner and it has never happened or seemingly come close to happening?

And tonight I worked out, all of this is by some bizarre coincidence. A if the fates have just skipped me.

Lets look at it logically.

I feel lonely because I lived in Ulladulla for many years and there was only a select few people there. So I am used to this feeling of having no one and seeing others get in relationships. Hence why I believe relationships are for “everyone else, but me” . I feel so ugly because of the fact that not many people have appreciated my appearance by voicing it to me and that’s just coincidence.
The awkwardness comes from living in that town too and so does the low self esteem because the town and the townspeople were so harsh. Also could have to do with not being appreciated.
Anxiety and panic attacks are medical, caused by the impending lonely feeling I get then I start to worry and the low self esteem kicks in.
I’ve not had a partner ever or ever been in a relationship is one I probably cannot answer properly with “coincidence” but it does lay factors in there.

But i KNOW i am a really nice and really lovely person. I KNOW that. I KNOW i;m not the ugliest in the world [physically]

Fuck it, it’s not me, its just what I’ve been doled out

Ha.. I just worked it all out.. It’s just bizarre fate and coincidence… Go me! I just beat ny thought patterns and I feel good!!

Just because its been played out this way, doesnt mean it wont change for me.

To murder another

I am going to write this under the assumption that you have not actually committed the crime of killing someone. But if you have, shame on you!

Now I want you to imagine someone, me. I want you to look at that image, that smiling face in the relaxed pose, smiling so weightlessly on that chair on the cold day it was. I want you to imagine being wrapped in just the right amount of clothing to be comfortably warm on that brisk winters day.

Look at my hair, look at my smile, look at my legs and my hands. Does this image pose the idea that someone is happy and joyful. Of course it does.

Now i’m going to murder the image.

Whats the one thing i didnt get you to focus on? My eyes, I want you to stare into them.. STARE!

What is it that you see? Can you see joylessness? stress? insecurity and anxiety? All those are evident in the image, but mostly only visible through the benign stare of my eyes. That deadpan look.

Something is missing from the image, from my face… Its the raw emotion, not the fake and insecure kind that RADIATES from my pores.

I’m not saying this is a bad photo of me! not at all! I actually really like this photo, my skin looks flawless, as does my hair and my legs look cute too. But i’m mainly focusing on whats behind the image.

But I was never insecure about myself until people noticed how benign I truly was. It was only until the naïvety of my person was evident and then the comments began, the actions started and then it descended from that moment.

These insecurities stem from the actions and words expelled from other people. I have never taken anything out of the media trying portray who i should look like. I have only others to blame and myself for exacerbating it.

You dont know it, but you are the reason for them. You are, you specifically and all of you others too.

You beat me to death with your words, your actions and your simple being.

Even the nice words kill me, because the actions and the words don’t match, they aren’t on the same line, they aren’t synonymous with one another.

It isnt my choice to be killed in such a horribly non brutal way. Its involuntarily your choice to kill me, because that may make it easier for you to live whatever you’re living…

For me, im living an existence.. Not a life.. a life is something you enjoy.. and according to my diagnoses, I dont.

Some people dont need to tease or taunt me to know that they are slowly hurting or killing me. Simply just doing things which they know will eventually upset me however is what kills me. A fake smile, A falsified hug, A forced conversation, being ignored, being shut off, having a back turned towards me. Simply thats enough to get me killed.

I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy… But i’d wish it on you!

What is it to enjoy life? Apparently I dont know… And apparently i’ve never known.

It’s all a bunch of history repeating.

A long time ago, i almost died from problematic and very strange health related incident one morning. It happened many times and it was never really looked at by my parents and they just fobbed it off until one day it actually got too overbearing and I had to see a doctor… That was 7 weeks after the initial incident occurred.

It was entirely blamed on my liver function. Well, it was said that could have been the cause. However, I think I now know different to what transpired that night.

Stress, anxiety, being upset, depression etc. All lead to what happened very early this morning (about midnight) till about 8am. It was the same symptoms and a very similar situation.

Many years ago, when the first incident occurred, the doctors I had misdiagnosed me. This I am 100% sure of. Just because there is a fault in my liver function doesn’t mean it can cause this catastrophic effect. But it had its own part in this project. When at the doctor those years ago, I was with my parents and I was asked if I was stressed or anxious.. I said no.. Truth was that I actually was stressed and had anxiety, I just didnt want my parents to know.

So i was perscribed this wonder pill called “Stemzine Forte” and everything was ok.

Last night, I had never experienced a worse kind of hell. Not only was i feeling INCREDIBLY SICK, upset, lonely, stressed, anxious and down, I also had the mindset that i write my blogs in… So VERY depressive.. and this continued for 8 hours! Can you imagine, being trapped in your most depressive state for 8 FUCKING HOURS! It was almost death… A hell in the human mind if you will… All the while the two beside me frolicked in their slumber, none the wiser to what was going on in the imprisoning peril outside their sleepy states.

All i could conceive was “Why?”

Why was it that I hasnt it happened to me yet?

Why is it taking its time?

Why cant I function properly in certain situations?

Why is it that everyone I know has had it, and I have not?

Towards the end it was “why was I unable to reciprocate a hug?”

I riddled myself with many questions that night. Finding answers was not easy, nor did that even occur. The only answer to my sickness and sorrows, seemingly came from a swift movement through the thick window pane glass onto the freeway below. But no, that answer was not striven for.

At least the sickness wasn’t ignored this time. Probably due to the very evident sounds of dry heaving expelling from my throat and resinating throughout the entire hotel room.

I felt embarrassed, I felt disgusting, I felt as though I made a fool of myself, I felt as though i may have acted incorrectly to the situation at hand. Maybe. My conclusion. It was everyones fault, including mine.

 

There’s always more U in Unique.

I’d like you all to do me  a favour, and that is to please raise your hand if you know what a “doppelganger” is?

All raised? No… Ok I shall explain.

Doppelganger is a look-alike of yourself. Usually considered a celebrity but still can be otherwise.

Usually its flattery when you are compared to a very attractive celebrity or someone similar. But, the problem with these doppelgangers is that they depersonalise the initial person you are and now have shared characteristics with the person you’ve been compared too and vice versa.

Everyone always says that no matter what, every single person on this earth is special and unique in their own way. But is this really true? There can only be a certain amount of characteristics that exist in the human form. How they are expressed are different, yes, but nonetheless they have a limit. For Example, voice. There can only be a certain amount of voices in human existence as the voice box itself isnt altering itself for each different person. Hence why we meet people who have similar voices to another person we know.

What happens when we do meet another person whom shares characteristics of another that we know previous to meeting this second individual? We immediately compare the two and work out the one more preferred. Sure, this is kinda interesting and cool on a very irregular basis. But what happens when its multiple times a week with many different and new people? Is that suggesting that there is carbon copies of one person that have been released on the world in many different locations and coincidence has brought a mutual friend together to indicate said carbon copies. If that is true (which I understand is a very far out exaggeration) then which is the original? are they all copies from each other… Or the simple generic person.

As you may have guessed, you intolerably smart shrew. I am referring to myself and events that happen to me.

People constantly approach me and tell me that they remind me a lot of another person they know. Which upon first impressions, depersonalises me and alters their impression if i dont live up to the standard of the person they knew previous to me.

This, in tern means the person has to chose whom they prefer with these characteristics, and due to their previous relationship with the other person, they will prefer the other person because they came first.

All of this is another tangent into my “silver medal” theorem. Simply said, why are some people chosen over others? Because even though they have similar or have synonymous characteristics. They will always choose the one they know more of and have known for the longest. That’s just basic relationship psychology.

So to shorten it more. If someone likes someone more than you, they’ll pick the other person nearly 100% of the time.

To move along the tangent of Silver Medalism.

Bare with me, this may get really stupid sounding, but to me it has a lot of relevance.

I once read a book when I was younger (shock horror!!) the book was titled “Mr Normal”… Mr John Normal had a very boring and lonely life. He had no friends, he was plain, he didnt do much and he had a remedial job. The main complication of this short book was for John Normal to find a companion… He didnt find a person, he found a bird.

John Normal had no special qualities about him, he was just the average human both physically and in what he did. The odd thing is I LOOKED LIKE THE ILLUSTRATIONS OF MR. NORMAL! He did things that I do…

I understand this can be a very convoluted coincidence but still. It has altered many thought patterns I have had.

All this talk about me reminding people of others or being very very similar to others AND the resemblence to the average person, John Normal makes me think a lot, and clearly not in the positive light.

I think about the idea that due to those things. Could I be the generic human? The average person? The person who never raises too high at something, never too low, and just stays stagnant for existence?

I understand the evidence is very unsubstantial to prove this. But those are my feelings.

It makes me feel like I am the basic foundation on which better people are built… The comparison if you will…

The traits about me are not special. They are not unique and they are not just mine.

I wish to propose a challenge… Find something unique about me? Something I do or something other, that makes me unique? Find something that someone else doesnt have… go for it… I DARE YOU!

Yes, there is always someone out there better than me. That person is you. You have better people, people who are ACTUALLY special and unique to fraternise with or you’ll have someone who shares a trait that I also have. Go fraternise with them. They’re better

 

Leave me alone, I’m lonely.

Chances are, if you’re reading this then you have already made me cry. Feel good to make another cry doesnt it? I’m sure you’re really caring ‘so’ much. I personally never say mean things, do mean things, leave people out, and treat people shitty. Why? Because I know how it feels to be treated horribly by almost everyone around you. I am, every day.

To have the unfortunate circumstance to know me, is to have the unfortunate circumstance to experience what I act and look like. This makes me genuinely sorry for you, because I really, really shouldnt fraternize with people. I just end up hurting myself and others because assumably, i do things wrong or act the wrog way.

I dont know any different, and I’m sorry.

All I really am, is a person who grew up too fast, and missed out on all that childhood happiness you all got to enjoy.

From a young age I was forced to be this cynical, jaded asshole becasue I was taught to be that way.I’ve now found out that my personality is actually disliked in the general community.

I struggle to make friends, keep the friends I have and to form relationships… well.. Thats never happened and never going to happen.

I am hellbent on the fact that I will never find someone to care for me. I’ve said it before that they will eventually leave me for someone better than I am. Because I am, and I am certain I am, the silver medal, the foundation, the person you look at and dont look at again.

I’m that conventionally unattractive boy who has dreams that he wont accomplish.

The career I dream and yearn to have is based on attention, I seek attention, because I never, ever got it from my family and my parents especially. Everything was focused on my sister, or themselves or my dog. I am the resented sibling. and an unfortunate person heard that when I was on the phone to them a few days back. That is just part of many occurrences that happen in my day.

I am not meerly that little boy that wants to be loved. No. I am that little boy who never was a little boy, who cant comprehend friendship or relationships for some bizarre reason. I am that little boy who simply ordered a hug over a year ago, and still hasnt got it.

All i want in life is a hug. DENIED!!!!! I WILL NEVER! EVER! EVER! GET THIS HUG! because no one, no one in their right mind would want to come so close to me. I dont stink. I just turn people away.

To people who are better than me. I am their bottom rung, remember?

In person, I have had nothing but bad experiences, nothing but. I dont know what good is. I’m afraid of going out and looking for experiences because I KNOW it’ll be bad. Statistically.

I only know what good is, because other people get good things. Good doesnt happen to jordan, never!

I dont care if I’m moving out soon, it’ll be the same issues, just with a different background. I wont find new people, I wont be treated better and I wont stop being upset about having no one.

Humans can get used to many things, all except crying themselves to sleep every night. Thats one thing that will never change.

If i was considered ‘attractive’, then someone would want to be near me! someone would want to get close to me. SOMEONE WOULD.

But no one does.

–

Why do i?

• Log onto websites, where I KNOW there will be people there who are considered 1000 times more conventionally attractive than I am?

• Put down myself, because of this fact and the fact im not that person?

• Spend hours upon hours, contemplating why I am not one of those people?

• Create wild, yet seemingly correct ideas as to why people dont see me as attractive and never have?

–

one thing I dont understand, is why do people get confused when I say I have never been in any form of a relationship before? Is it a sympathetic mechanism? I dont know

Why am I seemingly the only person who, by the age of 18 has NEVER had someone ever ask them out on a date? FUCK! i have never even sat with someone and watched a DVD at home before!

I feel like I have been exempt from other people and other forms of social communication, like I have been forgotten by others, like the higher being forgot to put that mechanism in my brain that makes me able to be tolerated by people and to sustain friendships. I feel as though I have been exempt from ever having someone get close to me.

All I really want, is someone close by who I can talk too… I dont understand why I’m not even allowed that?

Everyone else has it, right?

I dont want this feeling anymore. I want a friend near me.

Relatio-whaaaa?

So, I’ve realised. Its an odd thing when social conventions are incomprehensible in ones mind. When one THINKS that they are doing right in society, yet in fact they are doing wrong. Or percieved wrong depending on the individual. The way one was taught was initially incorrect in society and it has manifested into a further issue with said society. Only to be pointed out by members of said society to be a false inquest.

It is indeed a confusing thing when what you thought was the correct thing to do, was in fact the incorrect thing to do and your mind has the inability to comprehend this.

Today, it was my perception on relationships, love, sex and intimacy. And my lack thereof. I have always pitted myself as the unwanted, the unloveable, the ugly and the emotionally bleak. Yet is this the case? I had always perceived myself to never, in a million years get involved with anyone, not because I don’t want to, but because no one would want me.

Today, I came to the simple realisation. The only reason I feel this way is because throughout my rotations of 365.25 days I have had the firm belief that these things occur to everyone BUT me, to other people.

“They’re just things that happen to other people…” simply said in my mind.

This is why I’ve had this belief.

And it is a negative thing indeed.

I am jordan, I am 18, a virgin and has never been in a relationship. Is it my fault? maybe. Is it yours? Maybe.

It wont change anytime soon… but at least I understand now

 

Oh hi, fuck off.

Invisage: me, dressed up, with no where to go.

Yes it is a familiar sight, one which we see almost every weekend. I know, sad isn’t it?

So now invisage this one: me, dressed up, at one in the morning in my white tiled bathroom, glaring at myself in the mirror, staring down my hair and face as if to psych out the enemy. I have my toothbrush in my hand, my bland, birding toothbrush, and all im doing it slowly twirling and rotating it around. All while still staring down myself in the mirror.

But why am i doing this? What is the purpose behind this so infrequent gesture? Am I tired? Am I partially sedated by an acidic substance? Oh god no. I am just angered. For the simple reason of selfishness. And the fact that I was not selfish. The consequences. Another night alone, like every other. One to one to one night. There are less nails in the scaffolding of my house than nights I will spend alone with the feeling of loneliness enthralling my conscious. For eternally, it seems like I have been pushed aside, like the unwanted vegetables on a children’s bistro meal. I am there, appreciated by some. But rejected for my overall dispopularity.

Needless to say it hurts every time I am shoved aside for another to pass by and usurp my position as sole caretaker of the Overlook Hotel. However, not synonymous to Jack Torrens and his family, I have not yet been struck down by the soon inevitable cabin fever that will eventually plague each orifice of my living person. But I don’t mind. Maybe then I will get some peace and people wont talk to me, so then people cannot hurt me. Correct?

However throughout my short and incredibly unsatisfying and purposeless life I have found that that i am the soul possessor of the ‘silver medal’ so to speak. Similar to my post titled #2 i have further investigated this idea and realized that i am the only possessor of a silver medal in society who has not yet attained a gold in some form other another. Everyone gets their gold, except Jordan. Jordan gets the mere silver, sometimes bronze or copper or brass… Participation awards are not few and far between either, as we are all aware that to be able to win it, one must be in it. . But for now, I am in it. I try my hardest to win it but I am just not good enough.
To put it in a conversational sense, if someone was to see me and wish to talk, they would see me, begin a greeting sentence and then notice a better person in the distance.

“oh hi Jordan!…. Fuckoff there is someone better over there”

People don’t say this, they do it. Everyday. I don’t need to be told to fuck off to know that I’m their silver medal.

I read something today, to quote someone “don’t talk to me if you’re 18 and still a virgin, that’s just weird”. Of course this comment did get to me, as I am almost 18 and still a virgin. I know, weird isn’t it that someone who looks like this is a virgin… Ppffttt bullshit, I’m lucky if people come within 5 meters of me even with their will. I’m sure if it were legal, people would take Restraining orders out on me because the way I looked hurt their eyes, thus saying I violently attacked them by simply looking at them.

It hurts me when people clearly find a better person and cast me aside. Because really, all I have ever wanted is a proper friend who gives a shit about me enough to stick by me. But vie never had someone like that. I’m always the one who sticks by them, gives them advice when they néed it, but when I want help it’s always “brb I’m in the phone” or “oh sorry I’ve gotta go and watch tv, *this show* is on and I like it”. No one takes the time out of their day for Jordan. Because he’s their silver medal. He’s who they go to when they’re bored. Not their priority, their option.
I know I deserve better. But let’s face it, I’m an 18 year old virgin, it goes downhill from youth. I’m over. I’m now that gross “there’s gotta be something wrong with him to be an 18 year old
virgin” boy. I never had a youth, i never went out, no one wanted me out, i never got in a relationship, no one wanted one with me. I was born like this, in a small, isolated town. I match that fucking idea. I am born to be isolated. I may as well fucking live here.

People here, have a bet money that I will remain a virgin till i am 40, that hurts.
People have told me that they can’t ever see me I’m a relationship with anyone and I’ll be one of those creepy old lonely men, that hurts.
People have told me to fuck off I’m not good enough for them, that hurts.
People insult me, way to much, even last might a friend had been insulting me and then said “wow, why do you take this?” my reply. “because I don’t like arguing so it just sinks in”
I believe, with the amount of very hurtful insults I get on a daily basis, it’s a miracle I haven’t killed myself. If I was anyone else, anyone at all. I think i’d have done it. Why haunt I done it? For the soul reason of proving myself wrong.
From the moment I hewed what virginity was, i had the feeling I would never lose it. Thatbfeeling has stuck with me since then, that I will die a virgin. If I die tomorrow. Then I’m right. My belief now is that if I am driving to somewhere to have sex (god forbid someone wool actually want to get that close to me) I would have a fatal accident and die. It will happen. Because no one, no one should be out through that with me. It’ll be a torture rather than a pleasure.

I see my friends, talking about their boyfriends and sex and stuff.. It’s so humiliating to sit in the background and be quiet because I don’t know anything of what they are talking about. Because I have not experienced it. Nor do I believe I ever will.
I will always be hay naive child that sits in the crier and doesn’t understand aspects of life, when really he should.

Something is wrong, wrong with me. People just. Constantly turn me away. Judging by track record this amount of people cannot be wrong! It has to be me, it has to be! What the fuck is wrong with me to have so many people just look to others? What is wrong? Oh that’s right,8′ a wingy loser is one of them, not to mention physical appearance too. Hmmm TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG

Now stop reading this blog, your wasting your time with me. Go talk to your boyfriend and show someone some love. Just because I’ll never experience it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.

byproduct

Greetings disloyal minions. For your grinch has returned to his particular residence of depression. Yes the darkness is behind me and an ominous white glow is bestowed upon my glistening face. Glistening how? what glistens in the light? Guess. Go on.

It seems as though I have been left astray. Doesn’t surprise me much at all actually. Being the person I am, saying the words I do, acting the way I do. It isnt a surprise that I am pushed under the desk and had the label “byproduct” affixed to my forehead. Under the desk at night. The white light is adhered to objects in the loungeroom behind me.

Moral of the story. I have been pushed away from sight. Forced into that crawlspace that is seemingly screaming my name and reeking of my scent because I have continually sat in that space for so long on so many separate occasions.

But why I am shoved into this space? The way I am. ME! I hate how I act, I hate how I carry myself. I act like a fucking uptight 40 year old! Im sitting here right now, on my imac, with my glasses on, legs crossed left over the right, in a gown… A FUCKING 40 YEAR OLD! Who in their right mind would want that around them. The skunk has a better chance at finding happiness than I. The ugly, smelly, annoying skunk!

“Don’t worry, its just Jordan. Not like anyone will notice” I noticed. While i was in the fucking crawlspace i noticed. A case of out of sight, out of mind? Because I am forced into not being somewhere, I dont matter? Is that it? FUCKING OATH IT IS!

My prescience, breeds the absence of unpleasantness. No one wants me around. Its evident in their actions. And dont we forget the crawlspace!

No one wants me, no one will have me.

“I’ll give me away for free?” I yell to passers by

“Ew. Get your stock away from me. It isnt worth the cobble its treading on” replies every passer by as they glare up and down at my preposterously overaged physique for a 17 year old.

“This mutton isnt even dressed as lamb?NON ATTEMPT!” one shrieks!.

Not even good enough to be gross.

No one will touch me.

I want to be hugged.

I want to be anything, not just that person who is out of sight and out of mind.

BUT CHILDREN SHOULD BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD! NOT HEARD NOT HEARD!!! I’ll be an adult soon. I’ll be the same. same as always….

I imagine the only sexual intimacy i will ever achieve  with another again is if i commit to mitosis with myself because then not one person will need to come into contact with me. Oh the divinity of that idea. Pleases the world it does.

Pleases everyone.

Everyone but me.

But seriously, who cares about this worthless boy from  wheverthefuck he lives. It doesnt matter.

Remember last nights leftovers from dinner? Simply said the dinner is society, I am the leftovers you feed to your dog or bake into an incredibly ugly casserole the next day to pass off as an actual meal for your senile grandmother. That, the byproduct.

The bile.

The bilirubin

The mucus

The plasma

The Radioactive Waste

The emissions

The fumes

The Jordan.

All byproducts. Not worthy for production line.

Exaunt.