Oh hi, fuck off.

Invisage: me, dressed up, with no where to go.

Yes it is a familiar sight, one which we see almost every weekend. I know, sad isn’t it?

So now invisage this one: me, dressed up, at one in the morning in my white tiled bathroom, glaring at myself in the mirror, staring down my hair and face as if to psych out the enemy. I have my toothbrush in my hand, my bland, birding toothbrush, and all im doing it slowly twirling and rotating it around. All while still staring down myself in the mirror.

But why am i doing this? What is the purpose behind this so infrequent gesture? Am I tired? Am I partially sedated by an acidic substance? Oh god no. I am just angered. For the simple reason of selfishness. And the fact that I was not selfish. The consequences. Another night alone, like every other. One to one to one night. There are less nails in the scaffolding of my house than nights I will spend alone with the feeling of loneliness enthralling my conscious. For eternally, it seems like I have been pushed aside, like the unwanted vegetables on a children’s bistro meal. I am there, appreciated by some. But rejected for my overall dispopularity.

Needless to say it hurts every time I am shoved aside for another to pass by and usurp my position as sole caretaker of the Overlook Hotel. However, not synonymous to Jack Torrens and his family, I have not yet been struck down by the soon inevitable cabin fever that will eventually plague each orifice of my living person. But I don’t mind. Maybe then I will get some peace and people wont talk to me, so then people cannot hurt me. Correct?

However throughout my short and incredibly unsatisfying and purposeless life I have found that that i am the soul possessor of the ‘silver medal’ so to speak. Similar to my post titled #2 i have further investigated this idea and realized that i am the only possessor of a silver medal in society who has not yet attained a gold in some form other another. Everyone gets their gold, except Jordan. Jordan gets the mere silver, sometimes bronze or copper or brass… Participation awards are not few and far between either, as we are all aware that to be able to win it, one must be in it. . But for now, I am in it. I try my hardest to win it but I am just not good enough.
To put it in a conversational sense, if someone was to see me and wish to talk, they would see me, begin a greeting sentence and then notice a better person in the distance.

“oh hi Jordan!…. Fuckoff there is someone better over there”

People don’t say this, they do it. Everyday. I don’t need to be told to fuck off to know that I’m their silver medal.

I read something today, to quote someone “don’t talk to me if you’re 18 and still a virgin, that’s just weird”. Of course this comment did get to me, as I am almost 18 and still a virgin. I know, weird isn’t it that someone who looks like this is a virgin… Ppffttt bullshit, I’m lucky if people come within 5 meters of me even with their will. I’m sure if it were legal, people would take Restraining orders out on me because the way I looked hurt their eyes, thus saying I violently attacked them by simply looking at them.

It hurts me when people clearly find a better person and cast me aside. Because really, all I have ever wanted is a proper friend who gives a shit about me enough to stick by me. But vie never had someone like that. I’m always the one who sticks by them, gives them advice when they néed it, but when I want help it’s always “brb I’m in the phone” or “oh sorry I’ve gotta go and watch tv, *this show* is on and I like it”. No one takes the time out of their day for Jordan. Because he’s their silver medal. He’s who they go to when they’re bored. Not their priority, their option.
I know I deserve better. But let’s face it, I’m an 18 year old virgin, it goes downhill from youth. I’m over. I’m now that gross “there’s gotta be something wrong with him to be an 18 year old
virgin” boy. I never had a youth, i never went out, no one wanted me out, i never got in a relationship, no one wanted one with me. I was born like this, in a small, isolated town. I match that fucking idea. I am born to be isolated. I may as well fucking live here.

People here, have a bet money that I will remain a virgin till i am 40, that hurts.
People have told me that they can’t ever see me I’m a relationship with anyone and I’ll be one of those creepy old lonely men, that hurts.
People have told me to fuck off I’m not good enough for them, that hurts.
People insult me, way to much, even last might a friend had been insulting me and then said “wow, why do you take this?” my reply. “because I don’t like arguing so it just sinks in”
I believe, with the amount of very hurtful insults I get on a daily basis, it’s a miracle I haven’t killed myself. If I was anyone else, anyone at all. I think i’d have done it. Why haunt I done it? For the soul reason of proving myself wrong.
From the moment I hewed what virginity was, i had the feeling I would never lose it. Thatbfeeling has stuck with me since then, that I will die a virgin. If I die tomorrow. Then I’m right. My belief now is that if I am driving to somewhere to have sex (god forbid someone wool actually want to get that close to me) I would have a fatal accident and die. It will happen. Because no one, no one should be out through that with me. It’ll be a torture rather than a pleasure.

I see my friends, talking about their boyfriends and sex and stuff.. It’s so humiliating to sit in the background and be quiet because I don’t know anything of what they are talking about. Because I have not experienced it. Nor do I believe I ever will.
I will always be hay naive child that sits in the crier and doesn’t understand aspects of life, when really he should.

Something is wrong, wrong with me. People just. Constantly turn me away. Judging by track record this amount of people cannot be wrong! It has to be me, it has to be! What the fuck is wrong with me to have so many people just look to others? What is wrong? Oh that’s right,8′ a wingy loser is one of them, not to mention physical appearance too. Hmmm TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG

Now stop reading this blog, your wasting your time with me. Go talk to your boyfriend and show someone some love. Just because I’ll never experience it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.

~ by jordan zac on October 16, 2010.