The coincidence
I’ve just been pondering. And by “just” I mean for the majority of my teenage years..
I’ve been pondering questions like
- why am I so lonely?
- why do I feel so ugly?
- why do I feel awkward?
- why do I have low self esteem?
- why do I get panic and anxiety attacks?
- why have I never had a partner before and it seems like everyone else has?
- why is it that people say I have an amazing personality, am somewhat attractive and would make a perfect partner and it has never happened or seemingly come close to happening?
And tonight I worked out, all of this is by some bizarre coincidence. A if the fates have just skipped me.
Lets look at it logically.
I feel lonely because I lived in Ulladulla for many years and there was only a select few people there. So I am used to this feeling of having no one and seeing others get in relationships. Hence why I believe relationships are for “everyone else, but me” . I feel so ugly because of the fact that not many people have appreciated my appearance by voicing it to me and that’s just coincidence.
The awkwardness comes from living in that town too and so does the low self esteem because the town and the townspeople were so harsh. Also could have to do with not being appreciated.
Anxiety and panic attacks are medical, caused by the impending lonely feeling I get then I start to worry and the low self esteem kicks in.
I’ve not had a partner ever or ever been in a relationship is one I probably cannot answer properly with “coincidence” but it does lay factors in there.
But i KNOW i am a really nice and really lovely person. I KNOW that. I KNOW i;m not the ugliest in the world [physically]
Fuck it, it’s not me, its just what I’ve been doled out
Ha.. I just worked it all out.. It’s just bizarre fate and coincidence… Go me! I just beat ny thought patterns and I feel good!!
Just because its been played out this way, doesnt mean it wont change for me.
You know Jordan… I almost agree with you about your Coincidence post, but with a few minor changes. Small towns play havoc on the self perception of kids who grow up feeling different. They beginb to feel that they are somehow left behind. That feeling often makes it hard for those kids to meet others and adapt.
I follow you on Twitter and YouTube. We’ve never really talked, but I have learned a lot about you and your views on yourself and your world. You are a good looking, nice guy and one day someone will come along and show you how much better your life can be. And you will so unbelievably happy.